I was going through a very difficult period of my life. My husband became seriously ill and I was suddenly left alone with two children. It was all the more difficult because I lived in the USA, away from family and friends. My university education had no value there. I felt thrown into the water, where I was given a quick course in swimming in a foreign country. All the care for my family, children and household was tied to my shoulders now. I was forced to learn English quickly and find a job as soon as possible in order to maintain the house during my husband's absence and take care of all the bills and fees. One of the jobs that was most suitable, quickly available and fastest to find at the time was housekeeping.
I took a short break for early lunch. I sat in the bedroom of the family I worked with and, as usual, talked to God. At first it was just my monologue. He listened mostly in silence, and I felt like he didn't notice me at all. I was tired physically and mentally. My husband had been gone for 10 months and nothing was moving forward in his case. On the contrary, it seemed as if everything had stopped. I felt frustrated and began to complain out loud to God.
"Father, what should I do? My husband is ill, his condition is not improving and there are many obstacles in my way. I have already reviewed my whole life until this point. I didn't consciously hurt anyone, and if I did something unknowingly, I regretted everything a long time ago. I forgave everyone who had hurt me in the past and I don’t know what else to do at this point. What should I do? You do not like me. You don't want to help me and especially my husband "... I tried to play God's feelings and wanted to evoke his compassion. Because of his long silence,, I was a little angry with him.
Suddenly I felt a strange indescribable feeling. I knew it was God's presence. The voice that spoke to me leaned slightly against me. "Go to the bathroom and take the top book from the toilet." The voice surprised me, but I listened. I went inside the bathroom and found three books in the toilet. The family I worked for had reading material in the bathroom for obvious reason; it was the time they could be immersed in silence and knew they would not be disturbed by anyone or anything. The book that automatically struck my eye had a picture of a barn or shack on the front cover. The name The Shack didn't tell me anything but I took the book anyway, opened it on a random page and started reading. The first sentence I came upon was this:
Are you going to judge God ???? Do you want God to come down and judge you and your children?
my throat went dry and I stood in silent astonishment .... I knew that in this way God had spoken to me and answered my questions and complaints. The text in the book continued:
"Walk down from your own superiority and into God’s submission, and accept Gods will for your life!”
I fell to my knees, tears welling up in my eyes. However, these were tears of happiness, because my father finally spoke to me after a long pause. They were also tears of emotion, a feeling of God's love and his presence. By this time, I was living in Florida for three years. Until then, I could not read a single book in English. I could only read a few pages at a time. I was kind of bored with the content and tiring for me to focus on the English. So as soon as I picked up a book, I put it away just as quickly. But this time I felt a strong call that this is what I want and should read. After work, I ran to the bookstore to buy this book. As soon as I started, I couldn’t stop reading, the pages were practically turning by themselves. I cried a lot of tears while reading the book. First there were tears of defiance and resistance, later tears of anger and rejection, then tears of self-pity and denial of the truth. It was only in the end that there were tears of emotion, acceptance, humility and love. While reading the book, I underwent a significant inner change and purification of the soul. It was exactly what I needed at the time, and God knew it. I suddenly felt at peace and reconciled with everything that had hit me so far. I translated the title of the book and only later found out that it was a well-known book The Shack. It told the true story of a man who met God and Jesus Christ for three days after suffering a car accident and being in a coma. Since then, I have read a number of English books on similar topics. After some months of surviving through other life lessons, I finally understood that God never left me and even in the most difficult moments, he always helped me. When I felt lost in the darkness and despair, he shined a light on my path and showed me the way. He was pumping new strength and energy, giving me the courage and strength to move on. In the moments when I wanted to give up and couldn't stand up, he lifted me off the ground. He sent people who helped me in my way, and later I realized that even the situations which seemed the most horrific, turned out to good in the end. Over time, I realized that in all the turning points when I, my husband or my children were in danger, God always stood by us and protected us. If things didn't go the way I wanted them to go and the way I wanted them to be, I only understood with the passage of time and a reflection of the situation that God was protecting me from greater danger. When things were not moving forward and I felt that nothing was happening, God was creating a safe path and opening the right door for me, at the right time.
Everything is really different than it seems to us at the beginning or in a difficult situation. During such moments, I learned to fully surrender my life and the life and destiny of my loved ones into his hands and be led by him. From that day on, even though I was experiencing difficult days without my husband, I had to face new pitfalls and challenges every day, I experienced them and accepted them peacefully. I let go of the steering wheel and learned to rely on God and his guidance. We got closer and closer every day. Every other day, I trusted him more. If I came across a new difficult challenge and a new test that I could not solve, I said in my mind:
"Holy Father, you know my dreams and wishes. If this is what I have to go through then let it happen with your will. But if this is not your will for me and my loved ones, please show me the way out, or open the right door for me at the right time. "
I can only say that from this day on, miracles began to happen to me every day, from the small to the big. I understood that God listens to our prayers and when we call on Him, he always answers us. From then, our communication gradually became more regular. I knew that whatever I went through, God was with me, I trusted him fully and I let myself be led by him. Life is beautiful despite our ego that clouds us from time to time, It happens to each of us. But from my experience, even when the changes didn't show up immediately and I felt like God was silent, I didn't stop believing in him. Waiting taught me humility, patience, acceptance and especially perseverance. It taught me not to push for the course or time of resolving events. I have surrendered to God's flow of events .... Therefore, you must believe that everything is possible with God and even what seems unrealizable becomes real.
With love and light Andrea
